JARGON BUSTER

Think you know your Advertorial from your Editorial? Your Noise from your Reach? Your Soft News, Hard News, Pink, Green and Red News? Well you don’t! That’s because what PR people tell you these things mean is a cover for what they actually mean! And we’re happy to help you sort out the crap from the utter crap!

A

Account: That’s you. Yes. It is. What you’ll find is that as soon as you enter the PR system you are stripped butt-naked of your own individuality. You are now an Account. Congratulations!
Account Manager: This is the PR person who deals with you, darling! Be gentle they’ve probably wasted 15 years of their life clawing their way up from Account Executive!
Advertorial: They print. You pay!
Angle: This is the slant, usually a lie, on something you’ve done or achieved.
Ansoff matrix: This is a graph thing invented by some poor Russian bloke who was a great mathematician but didn’t realise that even though he’d also discovered the concept of environmental turbulence, no one would give a damn because he also invented a small, simple product-market growth matrix for PR people & hey, that’s where the money is.
Astroturfing: Great name for despicable behaviour. Planting people to pose as real ‘grassroots’ people to affect public opinion. eg. Letter-writing, making it seem like thel etters came from normal people when really they came from an ‘insider’. Usually done for political reasons.

B

B2B: Business to Business. A lazy way of describing PR for companies who sell to other companies and not to the public.
B2C: As above but to Consumer – ie. The general public.
Big: This is not small. If your story is small you might get it in Funeral World – which could be good if you’re an award-winning undertaker. If it’s big, it may end up on BBC news.
Brief: This is the thing your PR person writes to instruct a supplier of a service or sometimes a journalist. Usually appallingly written with vast scope for supplier to balls-up so that PR person can blame them in the future.
Briefing: This is different. This is what you give to Ministers so they don’t make a dick of themselves when they stand up in the House – doesn’t always work.
Buzz: This is the thing your PR person is searching for – a buzz, to build up a buzz and excitement about you and your product. Totally unmeasurable in any meaningful way - so beware!
By-Line: This is the thing spotty student journalist wet their beds over. Your name (no, not in lights – be serious!) underneath something you’ve written in a newspaper of magazine.

C

Client: That’s you. It’s also the way PR people talk. Once you’re in their clutches you lose your actual name: Client is on the phone. Tell Client that I’ll speak to him later. God, Client is being a bastard today. etc. etc.
Client List: A list of lots of their Clients – they probably have names but the word CLIENT is always bigger on the page.
Clippings: Bits of the newspaper or mag in which you’re featured which are
sent to PR companies so they canjustify their charges – or not! Watch out for this one!
Collateral: A personal favourite here at Right Angles. A really pathetic, ridiculous, annoying, stupid word that really up-themselves PR & Marketing companies (& designers too – there’s no escape boys!) use to describe printed material. Yes. It’s true!
Column inches: A complete rip off. An outrageous way of charging a Client on top for the amount of inches a story gets in a newspaper.
Communications audit: This involves a PR person interviewing all your staff about life, the universe & everything. Personally, I’d just close the company now while you still have a chance.
Contingency Plan: This is what a PR company will tell you to do when the shit hits the fan. Can be contained in a Crisis Management Plan. But if you’ve gone through Crisis & hit Contingency then you might as well throw the towel in anyway.
Copy: The words.
Corporate Image: This is what you want them to think about you. May not be true, but hey!
Crisis Management: Getting you out of the shit. Or writing a plan to help avoid you getting in the shit in the first place.

D

Deadline: Arrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhh!
Demographics: Word bandied about by PR people who want you to think that they know a bit about statistics. Often, in the singular, accompanied by the word ‘Change’. Or a way of pigeonholing your customers: ‘Ah, yes. They seem to be mostly C2 &3 & D1&2. Poor boy. Not much cash down there. Henry, show Client out will you darling?’
Direct Mail: Leaflets or letters sent direct to existing or current customers. You know, the crap you rip up and put in the bin every morning except of if it’s got something you want in it, like a free pen or the answer to a problem you need to solve right now.

E

Editorial: They print. You don’t pay!
Editor: God.
Editor’s Notes: aka: Notes to Editors or Notes to God. Paragraph or two on the bottom of a press release giving company info that PR people put on in the hope the journalist will a) get that far b) read it c) give a damn
Elephant Trap: The things you & politicians need to avoid falling into. Part of a briefing giving the things to say so you can teeter on the edge & still look fashionable.
Embargo: Serious way of saying: If you print this before 12.00 we send the boys round. Usually political things like reports, white papers etc.
Exclusive: Usually a deal made between a PR person & a newspaper. You print it big. You get it. You print it small. We give it to someone else.
Executive Summary: Part at the beginning of a report, which condenses 42 zillion pages into two paragraphs because Executives are busy people you know.
Exposure: That’s how much of you your PR person can flog to the press before you keel over with the exhaustion or the press decided you’re boring really. Or the amount of times in a given period that you are mentioned and to what degree.

F

Fact Sheet: A sheet full of Facts. They may not always, strictly speaking be, in the common understanding of the word, Facts. But….then. No one checks.
Feature Article: An in-depth article. Your PR person will do anything, Yes, this is true, anything, for one of these.
Flack: Rude. Think Hack. Then….! Or what journalists think of PR people: In-coming Flack – potentially serious but generally harmless things that need to be avoided.
Follow-up: This is the secret fear of all PR people. The Follow-Up Call. Once a press release is sent to a journalist, the PR person then has to ring. Nightmare. Nightmare. Nightmare.
Gate Keeper: Like a goalkeeper but older. Keeps crap stories out of his beloved paper that he’s been working for for 200 years.

G

Going Public: Whispered in hushed tones & greeted with all round quivering. Means a PR person a) hasn’t done their job AND been found out because the press are about to print something not very nice and b) the PR person now has to do some Crisis Management which is a specialism most of them don’t really have. BAD NEWS!
Green News: News that’s gone a bit stale

H

Hack: Journalist
Old Hack: Fleet Street Tabloid Journalist
Drunken Old Hack: Entertaining Fleet Street Tabloid Journalist
Headline: Well, durrrr!
Hard News: Hard news is more important than Soft News. Hard news is the thing that knocks your story off the front page. It’s murder, death, disaster, destruction, acts of God etc

I

Inverted Pyramid: Big important vital news or details at the top of a newspaper, press release or news broadcast tailing off to Mrs. Johnson’s Jumble Sale Shock at the bottom.

J

Jammy Bastard: PR person who not only good at their job but is nice too. These people are rare and very sought-after, hence high-salary, lots of money, hence Jammy Bastard.

K

Key influencers: The people who matter. It must be just awful to be one of these people. Every time they open their front door there are hordes of PR people drooling, quivering and fondling outside.

L

Lead Story: Big story at top of page. The annals of PR history are riddled with tales of murder, fraud and horses heads left in the quest to bag a lead story.

Lead Time: This is how long your PR company has got to run around like headless chickens before your event happens. Usually an excuse for them to tell everyone how stressed they are and how they’ve had to cancel their trip to Val d’Isere. Timmy is just sooooooo disappointed darling.
Leak: Well, this is why you shouldn’t really have any important secrets. You know the ones – those secrets that make you blush or get slight palpitations.
Libel: Libel is written. Slander is spoken.
Lobby: Lobbying or Lobbyist. PR person who is paid to grovel, beg, arse-lick, bribe, threaten or just be nice and persuade in order to influence a government organisation or politician to effect changes to established legislation.
Logo: The picture on your stationery. Yeah – that one. The one with the colours – or is it black & white – cheapskate!

M

Marketing: So what is the difference between PR and Marketing then? Answers on a post card to Right Angles.
Mass Medium: TV or Radio or Internet or Films – anything that communicates something to millions of people.
Message: This is what you want to say. As opposed to what you don’t want to say. Eg. You want to say: My business makes ace widgets. They s. They print: This business makes crap widgets. That’s what’s called, off-message!
Mileage: This is how far your story will run. Not literally, obviously. But either how many times your PR company can re-hash it & try to flog it to an unsuspecting journalist or how ‘big’ the story will go.

N

News conference: Worst nightmare – but rare for your average PR company. Usually in response to something very serious
News Release: Aka. Press or Media Release. The document sent to journalists to tell them about a story. Difficult to write. Hard to get right.
Noise: Lots of mixed-messages. Too much ‘noise’ means your PR company has messed up!

O

Opinion: This is what PR & Marketing companies spend your money on either trying to change or trying to find out what it is and then trying to change!
Overlap: People who get TV from their own region and next door’s too! Oh lucky them! Harry the Hedgehog Crossed the Road times two!

P

Pass-along rate: Poncy way of saying this newspaper is passed around and how many times. I mean. God. How do you analyse that?!
Photo Call: This is what desperate PR agencies arrange when you haven’t got a story. Or. Sometimes when you have got a story. Same difference. They’re still an excruciatingly embarrassing way to try to dictate to journalists.
Pink News: Gay news or Red News that’s got a bit soggy.
Pitch: Either what your PR agency does to you if you ask them to tender. It’s all lies! Or what a PR agency does to a journalist to try to getdoes to a journalist to try to get you in the press.
Press Pack: Lots of superfluous paper detailing your company stapled together and handed to a journalist so he can wipe his nose on it at a photo call or download it from your website and wipe his nose on it.
Press Release: aka. News Release or Media Release. The document sent to the press, radio or TV to tell them about your story
PR Girlie: This is a generic form of PR person. Usually has clipped Southern accent, less brain cells than my cat and 20 years ago would have been working on the beauty counter in Boots. Ah, but the advent of PR changed all that. Can usually be identified by the size of the files emailed to you. She’s the one that tries to email you a 15 meg file at 4.45pm on Friday afternoon & then wonders why you haven’t received it – you know the ones.

Q

Q&A: Document setting out the Question and the Answer. When accompanied by the word ‘Briefing’ becomes the things a Minister has in that folder – you know the one – where the Honourable Member for South Bottom-Sneeth asks him what he’s doing about car vandalism in Little Whallop & he goes off on a tangent and says car vandalism in this country has been reduced by 57.3% in the last 2 years.Yep–you didn’t think he remembered all that?!keep it a secret anyway.

R

Reach: That’s how many people your PR company can bribe to say they’ve heard of you because of the fantastic job the PR is doing. Or can be just an ill-educated guess as to how many people might, at some time, ever, be interested in what you do or sell.
Readership: Loyal bunch.
Red News: News that your PR person thinks needs suppressing. Probably doesn’t but they can’t decide so they’re going to.
Retraction: Oh nooooooooooooo!
ROI: Return on Investment. Complex formula which includes how much the PR has managed to sting you for, minus the cost of their hair extensions, times the champagne budget divided by the amount of times you’ve been in the papers.

S

Soft News: Unless your factory blows up and leaves a big hole in Hemel Hempstead then your news is generally Soft.
Soundbite: ‘I did not (pause) have sexual relations with that woman (pause), Miss Lewinsky’
Source: A secret person.
Spin Doctor: Used to mean excellent, dynamic PR person. Now means dick-head.
Story: A story is a story. But beware; it’s more difficult to spot than you think! Best left to experts – preferably ones who do it for their living.
Strategy: PR & Marketing-speak for: Oh God! Client’s coming in for second meeting today & I need to write something fast that looks like I know what I’m taking about.
SWOT: Small boy who was always a pain in the bum and grew up to work in PR. Aka. A way of assessing your Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities & Threats that makes PR companies sound as though they understand what you do. If you see a whiteboard with these words on at your PR company, you’re there for a meeting and it’s blank – just run!

T

Tabloids: The ones with semi-naked people on Page 3 and the ones with more advertisements than news on the front page. Also, the ones that are half the size of a broadsheet.
Target audience: The important people. The people who might, in the future, possibly, maybe, hopefully, buy what you sell or use your services. Or your Existing Target Audience – those people who already think you’re ace.
Teaser: Bit like a canapé or in our case a packet of pork scratchings or a pickled egg. A taster prior to the main event.

U

USP: Unique Selling Point or Proposition. USP is what your PR person tells you makes you different.
Vertical Media: Magazines, journals and papers for a specific group of people. Usually trade, industry or hobby press. Eg. Flat Fish Monthly; Extruded Polymers World; Angolan Accounting Today; International Pig Weekly. Your PR person will say: ‘Don’t worry darling, I’ll get you into the verticals.’

V

Viral Marketing: Painful. One person’s Spam is another person’s viral marketing!

No hassle. No fuss. No messing. No bull. Just results.